Are You a Man Magnet? How to Attract the Love You Want

Do you ever feel like you'll never find "The One"? Have you been involved with a string of selfish and inconsiderate commitment phobes? Or, are you divorced and bitter, certain that in the love game, you've been dealt a bad hand?

Read on. There is hope that you will find what you want most deeply--a good relationship with someone who loves you dearly. 

The path of true love has never run smooth for me. Until a couple of years ago, my relationships ranged from blah to bad, with a few happy moments early on. I just wasn't a good picker, I guess. And once I was in, I would struggle to "make it work" only to end up resentful that my needs were at the bottom of the pile. 

But that's all different now. In the middle of middle age, I found and married my true love. He fulfills me on every level. He is kind, intelligent, very funny and yes--hot.

What changed? Well, after my second (!) divorce, I realized that I was still attractive, vibrant and young enough to find a new relationship.  I still wanted to. None of that bitter, "All men are bastards," divorcee-crap for me. And this time I wasn't going to settle for Mr. Dysfunction. No sir. 

I guess I went through a little mini-renaissance. I stepped up my visits to the gym, grew my hair and bought a bunch of cute clothes. My friends commented that "I glowed." Yeah. Getting out from under that draining relationship brought me back to life. 

Lesson #1: Being true to a positive you is the best revenge.

I went out on the town. By myself, if I couldn't get a girlfriend to come along. I was scared at first. I stood by my car at the local pub for at least ten minutes. Then I thought, "Heck, if I don't like it, I'll have one drink and leave. What's the big deal?" So I went in and had a great time. Ran into some friends, danced, got asked out to dinner. 

Every week I went out at least once. Sometimes I couldn't get my single friends to go. "I want to stay in and watch a video." Hello! You won't meet anyone in your living room!

Lesson #2: Get out there, even if it is outside your comfort zone. Especially if it is outside your comfort zone.

Once you're out--or anywhere, work, running errands, etc.--cultivating an approachable demeanor is key. I thank author Mama Gena for this one. She talks about appreciating each man you meet. That means smiling. Saying hello. Thanking them when they open the door, 'cause they will now. 

If you walk around, eyes straight ahead, the walls up, lost in your little world, you won't meet anyone. There could be tons of great guys everywhere on your daily path. You just don't see them. I was asked for a date at the auto parts store while buying a windshield washer blade. I asked a nice guy's advice, he helped me and even installed it for me. Then he asked me to go for a drink. Unfortunately I couldn't, as I was getting ready for a dinner date that night. 

Of course, use your good sense. If you're walking a dark city street you might not want to say hello to those thugs in the alley. 

Lesson #3: Be open, friendly and approachable. Treat men like potential friends, not "the enemy."

That brings me to a key point. How many women have you heard bad-mouth men? "There are no good ones left." "Men suck." "All men are dogs." Yeah, some are not good partnership choices. I know. But having a bad attitude toward men, being suspicious and bitchy, won't bring you love. Nice guys don't want to be around a negative, nasty woman. 

There are a lot of good guys out there. Check out a personals site. Maybe you won't find anyone who cooks your noodle, but read the profiles. There are a lot of lonely, regular guys who just want to find a good relationship. Most of them are victims of the marital wars, too, only they had the dysfunctional spouse. Believe it or not, there are a lot of whacked out women who dump on nice men. Then they freak out when he finally divorces them. My honey is in that category. 

Lesson #4: Having a positive attitude will help you attract positive people.

Another key step is identifying what you want. I read something that said to list the five top traits you were looking for. Mine were: intelligent, compassionate, good sense of humor, mature and "a doer." I also threw in "good father" as most men in my age bracket are dads. I figured someone who is a good father is likely a caring, responsible adult. Very attractive. 

Lesson #5: You have to know what you want before you can find it.

Meditate on the kind of relationship you want, too. Picture it. Someone who is good to you. Someone you trust. Someone loyal who likes you. Like a friend with real benefits. If any doubts or fears crop up when you think about this, work on it. You may have blocks that are preventing you from finding love. Like, you don't think you deserve it. 

Lesson #6: Believe yourself worthy of receiving as well as giving love. 

Good luck in your quest. All I can tell you is, these lessons worked for me. 

Which Victoria's Secret Bra is Right for You?

Wearing pretty lingerie is a simple way to feel your feminine best. Whether  mired in the throes of corporate mergers, child care or college courses, you know that underneath it all, you look absolutely stunning. 

Victoria's Secret has lifted the concept of sexy lingerie from sleazy to naughty AND nice. Who would have thought a few years ago that models parading in their underwear would be a prime time television show? When I grew up, looking at the Sears catalog models in their ugly white under-armor was considered risque. Perhaps you remember those stitched, pointed missile bras? Or the full-body corsets. Ugh.

We live in a new and more enlightened century, thank goodness. During a review of the current Victoria's Secret catalog, I found beautiful bras perfect for your busy, exciting lifestyle.

You are a Practical Mom. Your day is spent keeping dozens of balls in the air: child care, housekeeping, money management, schedule coordination, husband handling. The word multi-tasking was invented for YOU. You probably feel you don't have time for yourself, let alone choosing and wearing lovely lingerie. Besides, it has to survive baby spit-up and being washed in the wrong load. Victoria's Secret VS Cotton collection is the answer. Yes, even easy care, comfy bras now come in sexy styles and vibrant colors. Goodbye frumpy housewife!

You are a Top Executive. Aren't you gland that feminine is back in style? Gone are the days of football-shouldered power suits. Still, some positions still require that you wear a suit, hose and heels. Cleavage and short skirts don't meet the dress code. But underneath that polished,  professional veneer, you are a sexual dynamo. Your awareness of your vibrant sensuality underscores all your deals--to the delight and discomfort of your opponents. Wear the Victoria's Secret Very Sexy collection under your most conservative suit and conquer the world!

You are a Sexpot on the Prowl. Yes, it's the weekend and you are looking for love. The gloves are off as you choose your sexiest, most flattering outfit. The goal is to be NOTICED! No shy, retiring wallflowers here! You want to tempt, dazzle and intrigue the partner of your choice. Start at the skin with Victoria's Secret Sexy Little Things Adjustable Push-up Bra. This padded underwire bra adjusts your cleavage from natural to extreme so you can wear what looks best in your outfit. The straps have options, too, from standard to strapless or crossback. No worries about bra straps showing to hinder your good time. Get out there, tigress!

You are a Conscientious Consumer. You were Green before it was fashionable. You've been a vegetarian since you were twelve. You recycle, carry cloth shopping bags and take the bus. Fair trade is the only trade as far as you are concerned. But underneath that philosophically correct exterior is a woman who loves pretty things as much as anyone. Victoria's Secret has a solution for you.  The new Organic Collection is made from fair trade cotton grown by a women-owned cooperatives. In Burkina Faso, no less!

How perfect! You'll be sexy AND eco-friendly!

You are a Bohemian.  Creative, eclectic, original, you define your own style. You might be a writer or artist living in a SoHo garret. Or a hot, fresh talent working Madison Avenue. Maybe you are a small business owner selling trendy food or wares. But where ever, whatever, you pride yourself on your unconventional approach to work, life, romance, even your undies. Victoria's Secret Italian-inspired line, Intimissimi, is like you: a blend of the sophisticated and the unexpected.

You are an International Diva. Goddess in human flesh, you exemplify the beautiful, spoiled and sensual. Your talent on stage, screen or in manipulating wealthy men has brought you to the very peak of notoriety and reward. Only the very, very, VERY best will do for your rapacious little heart. Victoria's Secret must have been reading your mind when they created their annual Diamond Bra. With a price of $5 million, you'll be one of a kind at that upcoming Monte Carlo gala. And isn't that the point?

Is it Hot or Cold in Here or is it Me?

Dating to find the right person, i.e. kind, mentally healthy and moderately good-looking, can be real challenge. So many nicely wrapped packages end up holding a lump of coal. Or a big pile of poo. 

I thought I'd share several types to watch out for in the dating lottery game. Warning: not all bad 'uns come stamped with "Loser" across their forehead. Too bad for us little girls getting our hearts broke. Again.

We'll start with some lightweights (revealed in less than three dates) and work our way up to the big stinker (can suck up years of your life). 

More Baggage than the TSA. This one presents himself well. He's handsome, clean-cut, probably gainfully employed. But there's a hurt, almost baffled look lurking in his big old peepers. He's been dumped or divorced. Maybe it's been a week, maybe a year or even two. She was hell on wheels, of course. A four-star you-know-what. She cheated on him. Took all his money. Ran away with his dog. 

Good, you think. Surely I shine in comparison. I know how to be a loving, considerate girlfriend. I know just how to soothe his troubled brow and make him forget all about HER. Not so fast, missy. If he talks about his ex on the first date, and the second date, and the third date--guess what? He ain't over her! And until he is, he can't be the boyfriend you want. Unless you like comforting hurt little boys ad nauseam. Buy a lot of tissues. And a set of ear plugs.

Let's Be Friends. This one is a real puzzler. He starts off great. He takes you out to a really nice restaurant. He throws that plastic out there like a champ before you can say "dutch treat." 

The best thing about him is he listens when you talk. He laughs at your jokes. Once in a while he gives you the eye but he's not pushy. Maybe you play footsie under the table. Isn't that fun?

At the end of the night he gives you a sweet kiss. "Let's do it again." So you do. Finally, after the tension is so high it's twanging (and so are you), you make the big move. You muckle onto him and give him your best melt your knickers kiss. He likes it. But then, dum dum dum! He pulls back and says, "I'd like things to remain platonic." 

You're stunned. You think WTF? Did I read things wrong or what? It can be pretty humiliating. Usually you're fighting them off, not being told to cool your jets. 

He takes you home. You think about it. No, you weren't reading the signals wrong. You've been decoding them since you were twelve. So you wonder--is he impotent? Latently gay? Or a total a-hole? Forget him. You deserve, and will find a man, who thinks you are a total sex goddess. 

Speed-dial Sweetie. This one can sneak up on you, too. He's really fun. Outgoing, witty, a total riot to hang out with. You talk all night. Drink a lot. Sleep over. Then you do it again. He likes you. It's obvious. The two of you would light up the room anywhere you went. 

Trouble is, you're not going anywhere. No, you basically see the inside of his place or yours. Mostly his because he's more comfortable there. Plus you like his record collection and his skuzzy but charming bachelor pad. The motorcycle parked in the living room is a great touch. 

Finally, one day you realize what's happened. You're just a booty call. He'll never take you out to a fabulous restaurant like Platonic Man. Whatever the reason--another woman, die-hard loner, self-centered d--head, Speed Dial Sweetie will never be relationship material. If you're in the market for an occasional roll in the hay, that's cool. Otherwise, move on. And delete his number from your cell.

A variation on the theme: the jerk who warns you, "don't fall in love with me." Best response, "No problem," accompanied by a full belly laugh. 

Now for the big guns. 

Is it Hot or Cold in Here or is it Me? Women of all ages and experience levels have been hooked by an ambivalent boyfriend. These suckers are dangerous. They can absorb years of your life as you try to make sense of his bizarre and hurtful behavior. And just like any good fisherman, he knows how to keep you on the hook. 

These relationships start off with a bang. You meet and the next thing you know, you're in love. The problem is, many good relationships start off that way. Strong, long-lasting connections can happen quickly. 

Ambivalent man is a master of romance. He adores you. He wines and dines you. You're all he thinks about. Finally, someone who treats you like a precious, beautiful jewel. You let your guard down and reciprocate. And then--faster than you can say Jekyll and Hyde, he disappears. 

He often does this after a milestone event, something most people would feel indicates a step toward a deeper commitment. 

And there in lies the problem. As soon as he hooks you, he panics. So you go through hell wondering what happened. What you did wrong. Are you crazy to think you had something? 

No, you're not crazy. He initiated it all, remember? To further confuse things, "experts" like the Mars-Venus guy say that men commonly pull back. So you wonder is this normal or have you been dumped? All your senses are on red alert, screaming out contradictory messages.

The only way to sanity, IMHO, is to stop and think about what you want. Meditate on the good, healthy loving relationship you deserve and want. Would that include torture and disappearing acts? I doubt it. Resolve that if this isn't it, you will move on. Don't chase him. He needs to come to you. One thing I have learned is, in good relationships, the man does pursue. Because he values you and doesn't want to lose you.

Think back to your early interaction. Were there red flags, little clues that he was leery about commitment? Sometimes you just sense something's off and feel more insecure than usual. That's your intuition warning you.  Did he blow hot and cold before the big run? Sometimes he was into you, sometimes you had the feeling he was bored or indifferent or even angry? Warning! Warning!

A healthy relationship will leave you feeling better about yourself, not worse. You should be smug and satisfied like a kitty drinking cream. So when he comes back--as he will--pay attention. If his not calling or breaking dates was unacceptable, tell him that. See how he reacts. Let him know that you weren't exactly sitting around pining. Then watch the full court press come into play as he tries to woo you back. If you take him back and he disappears again, pull the plug. It may be the hardest thing you ever did. When he was good, he was very very good! But remember, you've already had the best of him. It will never be any better than the first few weeks. In contrast, a good relationship improves with time as it deepens and grows. 

Personality Disorders: Coming Soon to a Relationship Near You

I'll bet you follow the Golden Rule. You know, the one that says treat others as you wish to be treated. Well, I'll let you in on a little secret. There are a lot of people out there who think YOU should follow that rule--but they don't have to. No, they aren't bound by such restrictions and indeed are marvelously free to torture, abuse and annihilate. 

Realizing that personality disorders are rampant is like putting on glasses for the first time. Suddenly all those sharp corners and walls you've been bumping into come into focus. 

The tricky thing is that personality disorders don't rise to the level of a mental illness and therefore are extremely hard to treat. How can you fix what the patient denies is broken? So they go on their merry way spreading suffering and chaos.

So I've put together a little field guide, if you will. Some symptoms and behavioral clues to let you know when you might be in the presence of danger. I've also linked to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for scientific information on the subject.

Warning, warning: I am not a mental health professional nor do I profess to be. This information is not intended for diagnosis or treatment recommendations. I am merely a survivor sharing my own experiences and hard-earned wisdom. So on to the fun.

The Narcissist - It's All About Me.  Like opera singers warming up, narcissists sing one note, "Me, me, me!" Everything, I mean everything, in the narcissist's life is about them. Family, lovers, work, play, the weather and world events.  This is the person who, after hearing about the tsunami in Thailand, said, "Great. Now I'll lose my deposit." 

It can take a while to catch on. Many narcissists do a great job of faking empathy and interest in other people. As long as they're on top in the relationship, all is well. But cross them or get off your knees for a moment and the gloves are off. Truly cruel ones are called Malignant Narcissists and they can ruin your life. Sam Vaknin, a self professed narcissist, has done the world a huge favor and revealed how dangerous they can be. Consider him cured! Narcissists can't bear criticism. Their frantic attempts to destroy the truth-bearer reveal how desperate they are to prop up an immaculate self image. Healthy people, in contrast, have a balanced awareness of their flaws and weaknesses.

You may be in the presence of a Narcissist when: You show them your brand new granddaughter and they say, "Isn't she beautiful? She looks just like me."

The Histrionic - Oh, the Drama! Also self-involved, a Histrionic sees him or herself in the center of an ongoing soap opera. These larger than life figures are often charming, attractive and exciting to be around. Every occurrence--large or small--is invested with incredible significance.  Who else could make locking keys in the car a three act play involving half the neighborhood? It's easy to fall into the role of admiring and supportive audience.

The problem comes in when the Histrionic relies on you as a main prop. Get ready for the daily 8 a.m. calls and the lengthy consultations on the minor issues of the day. Then, after you give your best advice, you overhear the Histrionic asking the next six people for their opinion. It can also get tiresome playing lady or lord in waiting. Don't get the idea that you can be the prettiest at the ball or the best at whatever game you're playing. Pushing the Histrionic out of the limelight will not be met with good grace. 

You may be in the presence of a Histrionic when: They call in floods of tears and panic to report that their date is half an hour late. They're convinced either they've been stood up or he or she is dead.

The Paranoid - You Don't Love Me and I'll Prove It. There are a lot of jokes about paranoia, i.e. "being paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you." The problem is, paranoids think everyone is out to get them. Even the ones who love them. Especially the ones who love them. A Paranoid will read ill will into the most innocuous statements. "I like your new haircut." "Does that mean my hair looked bad before?" I kid you not. 

They are so afraid of being taken advantage of that they won't give first. Sad, really. Being with them is like walking on eggshells. Anything you say will be held against you. Not that all Paranoids will be aggressive--many are passive aggressive. The aggrieved sigh. The little stab that you don't feel until the knife is buried. The constant sense that no matter what you do, it will never, ever, in a million years be enough. You can't win. Walk away, if you can, and you'll get rid of that churning knot in your stomach. 

You may be in the presence of a Paranoid when: You give them a compliment and they react as though it was a vicious insult. 

The Bully - I'm Bigger than You Are and Don't You Forget It. Bullying isn't just for schoolyards anymore. They lurk at work, in your social circle and even at home. People think of bullies as those who rant, curse and physically threaten. But many bullies are more insidious and subtle than that. As long as you're going along with their agenda, they will be agreeable. Often they are in a position of authority, such as your boss, or someone you want to please, like your mate. The sunshine of their warm approval can be quite pleasant.

But then you notice that the bully always has someone in the doghouse. Maybe it's their assistant. An acquaintance. Or their child. That person can do no right. You hear morning noon and night about their iniquities. They actively work against that person. They gossip. Undermine. Put up roadblocks. Worst case, they slander. 

Being the bully's target can be a horror show, especially if they are in a position of power over you. You know they are out to get you, to prove you incompetent or worse. You know they will lie to achieve their ends. And, human nature being what it is, the non-targets will sidle away, relieved they are out of the firing line. You can try fighting them but it is an uphill battle. Many of the incidents will seem minor by themselves. It's only when put together do you see the pattern. And many will not want to see that. Because then they will become the target. 

Bullies are dangerous. Get professional help to assess your situation and the repercussions of standing up to them, escaping or ignoring them. Take comfort in knowing that bullies often target the bright, the competent and the talented. That is why they hate you. Hopefully workplace bullying will be soon be recognized as the problem it is. In my view, it should be as illegal as sexual harassment. 

You may be in the presence of a bully when: You feel like an abused dog.

Boxers, Briefs or G-strings-which is right for your man?

Men's underwear choices used to be boxers or briefs, take your pick.  That made things simple or totally boring, depending on your point of view. 

But my oh my, how things have changed.  Brian Boye, Men's Health fashion editor, reports that there are 700 choices for the man who just blew out his last pair of tightie-whities. His article, How to Find the Perfect Pair, discusses trends in men's undergarments. Fascinating, really.

My further study confirmed that there really is a pair perfect for all personality types and lifestyles. I thought I'd share a few.

Let's start with the classics...

He's a Beer and Football Enthusiast.  This classic male personality is never happier than when lounging on the couch in front of a game. Add a few friends and a keg and he's in pigskin heaven. He'll feel totally relaxed in Hanro Retro Woven Boxers. Roomy, cotton and classic. 

He's a Nerd. Brainy, analytical, handy to have around the house. He can fix anything electronic and he makes more money than anyone else on the block. Too bad his fashion sense is so poor. But maybe someday you can get him to ditch those Hanes briefs, the same style he wore in grade school. Good luck. 

He's a Hunter. A cousin of the Beer and Football Enthusiast, the Hunter likes sports, too--only he takes a more active role. He loves huddling in an ice-cold deer stand at dawn, immobile and silent, waiting for his dream buck to come along. Fortunately he can keep "the boys" fairly toasty in a pair of Cabela's camo compression skinz. They control odor, too, important when you are upwind from your prey.

Now on to the fad and rad...

He's a Hunk. Your basic handsome, well-built, all-around male. Brains and personality optional. According to a Men's Health underwear quiz, boxer briefs are the new top choice for men and the woman who love them. One woman commented that the boxer-brief hybrid made "you want to take them right off." Now there's an inducement to try Calvin Klein's new classic, 365 Boxer Brief.

He's a Player. If only he could wear his underwear outside his clothing. Maybe it'd be another warning, in addition to his overly smooth, overly flattering sweet talk and his habit of checking out every babe in the place. This man knows how to seduce and charm, make you feel oh-so-sexy and special. Too bad all the romance flees with the dawn--and his exit from your abode. Give another girl a fighting chance and gift your Player with a Magic Silk G-String Pouch. She'll fully understand he's not husband material. 

He's a Bad Boy. Mama said to avoid them, but they're so much fun. They play heavy metal music. Excel at extreme sports. Race motorcycles in the rain. In contrast to the Player, the Bad Boy can be tamed by the right woman. Maybe he's just not ready to settle down. Yet.

Show you understand his wild side with these 3G Toxxic Trunks. They'll match his tattoos. 

He's an Idealist. This gentle, intellectual soul actually ponders global warming and seeks to reduce his carbon footprint. He's happiest when saving a rain forest or building a Habitat for Humanity home. His coffee is fair trade, his diet is organic, and his underwear is an eco-friendly Bamboo Brief from Report Collection.